How curiosity can transform difficult conversations and reduce judgement
I’ve had some extremely interesting conversations recently. Conversations that in the past I may have shied away from because I didn’t feel eloquent enough or have all the facts to discuss. They’ve been areas that I could have quite easily braced myself for an argument and perhaps held tension in my body because of their points of view but now that we’ve had the discussion, the story I tell myself about that person is very different.
Does that make sense? You see, judgement doesn’t just close conversations down, it creates drama.
The moment we judge someone’s view, they feel it. People dig their heels in. They defend. They double down. Suddenly the conversation becomes about being right rather than being understood. And all of that can happen before a single word is spoken. What I’ve found is that curiosity takes the heat out of conversations. When I stop reacting to someone’s stance and start exploring what’s underneath it, everything shifts.
It’s not about, “I don’t agree.” It’s about, “Tell me what matters to you here.” It’s a small pivot with a huge impact. People soften. They stop performing their position and start revealing the interest behind it. When you understand someone’s interests, what they’re trying to protect, achieve, or avoid, their view becomes far more relatable. You may still disagree, but you’re no longer fighting. You’re understanding. And understanding is what keeps conversations moving rather than spiralling. The less judgement we bring, the more honest and grounded the dialogue becomes. People feel safe enough to drop the armour. And once the armour drops, collaboration becomes possible. The drama evaporates because there’s nothing left to defend.
So, next time you feel yourself bracing or judging, try asking yourself the following question: “What might be true for them that I don’t yet know?” It’s remarkable how often that one question turns a tense moment into a productive one.
I’ve had some extremely interesting conversations recently. Conversations that in the past I may have shied away from because I didn’t feel eloquent enough or have all the facts to discuss. They’ve been areas that I could have quite easily braced myself for an argument and perhaps held tension in my body because of their points of view but now that we’ve had the discussion, the story I tell myself about that person is very different.
Does that make sense?
You see, judgement doesn’t just close conversations down, it creates drama.
The moment we judge someone’s view, they feel it. People dig their heels in. They defend. They double down. Suddenly the conversation becomes about being right rather than being understood.
And all of that can happen before a single word is spoken.
What I’ve found is that curiosity takes the heat out of conversations. When I stop reacting to someone’s stance and start exploring what’s underneath it, everything shifts.
It’s not about, “I don’t agree.” It’s about, “Tell me what matters to you here.”
It’s a small pivot with a huge impact. People soften. They stop performing their position and start revealing the interest behind it.
When you understand someone’s interests, what they’re trying to protect, achieve, or avoid, their view becomes far more relatable. You may still disagree, but you’re no longer fighting. You’re understanding. And understanding is what keeps conversations moving rather than spiralling.
The less judgement we bring, the more honest and grounded the dialogue becomes. People feel safe enough to drop the armour. And once the armour drops, collaboration becomes possible. The drama evaporates because there’s nothing left to defend.
So, next time you feel yourself bracing or judging, try asking yourself the following question:
“What might be true for them that I don’t yet know?”
It’s remarkable how often that one question turns a tense moment into a productive one.