Have you ever had a situation where you hear something about someone and it’s very different to the person you know?​

It’s happened to me a couple of times recently, so I thought it might be worthwhile sharing my thoughts….​

​👉 Pause before you absorb the story​

Hearsay is sticky because it lands fast and pulls you in, so my suggestion would be to give yourself a moment before you let someone else’s narrative become yours.​

Try saying to yourself: “I don’t know enough yet to take a position” and then notice whatever reaction pops up. Is it annoyance, surprise, concern… then let it settle rather than running with it. ​

Remind yourself that this is only one perspective and you don’t need to form a judgement or storyline before you’ve got the full picture.​

​👉 Return to who you know them to be​

When hearsay arrives, go back to your lived experience of the person. It’s the quickest way to stay grounded in fairness and kindness.​

Try saying to yourself: “My experience of them has been X, and I’ll stay with that until I know differently.” Bring to mind moments where you’ve seen their strengths, their effort, their character and let your direct experience outweigh second‑hand accounts.​

​👉 Separate behaviour from identity​

Hearsay often tries to turn a single behaviour into a sweeping statement about who someone is.​ Instead, treat what you’ve heard as a possible behaviour, not a personality trait.

Stay curious about the context – pressure, misunderstanding, timing, crossed wires. And assume positive intent until you have evidence that tells you otherwise. It keeps things adult and stops you from making someone “wrong” too quickly.​

​👉 Seek clarity, not confirmation​

If you need to explore the issue, do it gently through curiosity, not accusation.​

Try saying: “I’d love to understand how things have been feeling for you recently.” Ask open questions rather than ones that steer them toward a conclusion. Invite their perspective without mentioning the hearsay because you’re looking for patterns, not isolated moments that may have been misinterpreted or exaggerated.​

​👉 Act in alignment with your values​

At the end of the day, your behaviour should reflect your values, not the tone of the hearsay.​

Try saying: “I’m here to support you… let’s talk about what would help.” Choose kindness even when the information you’ve heard isn’t kind. Offer support rather than suspicion. Hold your boundaries, but don’t withdraw warmth. ​

​Why does this matter?

​When you treat hearsay as data rather than truth, you stay in your adult self. You protect the relationship. You avoid unnecessary drama. And you give the other person the dignity of being seen for who they actually are, not who someone else says they are.​