– the process of limiting negative aspects of conflict while increasing the positive ones!

Years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to see the positive aspects of conflict.  My mind would have been filled with all the negative aspects, because I’d have been more worried about the consequences of tackling the issue than being true to myself.  In the past, I have suppressed my own feelings and actions to pacify others, but looking back it only allowed the issue to grow bigger. Although conflict is often seen as a bad thing, it’s inevitable.  It’s a way of expressing our feelings and redefining our needs, and of course can be the first step to understanding one another better which helps us to improve and learn.

So why do we avoid conflict?  Because it means facing the demon!  We know that there is a difficult conversation to be had and we’re perhaps afraid of what the outcome may be.  These feelings often stem from our childhood as we were encouraged to get on with others; life is built around tolerance and negotiation.  But as we grow older, we learn that differences of opinion can come hand in hand with angry responses.  And dependant in the way our parents and teachers managed conflict, we learn behaviours to deal with it in the same way – an unconscious script, where we react instinctively and emotionally on impulse.

So after the issue has been living in our heads rent free for a while and has started to grow we decide it’s time to sort it out and instead of being rational, thinking about those win/win scenarios, we go at it like a bull at a gate with the attitude of ‘I’m right and you’re wrong!’

Of course this type of defensive attitude doesn’t get us anywhere and can often make the situation ten times worse.  I’m sure you’ve caught yourself in the past being dismissive eg telling others not to be ridiculous, defending your own actions with words like ‘I’m not’.  So what can we do to manage conflict in a positive way?

I came across a very helpful model by Thomas Kilmann, that I’d like to share with you.  It’s based on the levels of assertiveness and cooperation used to bring out the best in every situation.  Although we have a  default mode, it may not be the most appropriate for all occasions, so this model helps you to identify what approach to use and when. Thomas created five different modes to manage conflict and I’ve tried to give you brief overview of each one.                 

Sometimes avoiding conflict can be the best option especially if the issue isn’t of great importance.  If you are choosing this mode you will be in the unassertive/uncooperative quadrant. Just remember that avoiding conflict may allow issues to become more contentious or decisions made without your input or influence.

Competing is important when you want to stand up for yourself.  It’s high on assertiveness and low on cooperativeness.  Of course you need to be careful not to overuse this approach as you may be seen as a bully and stop others from speaking up.

Collaborating builds relationships and brings together the views of different parties.  It is the highest use of assertiveness and cooperation however can lead to inefficiency and wasting time when you spend long periods on discussions.

Compromising may be the best route from time to time especially if the issue only needs a temporary solution. But if you overuse the compromising mode, you may not see the big picture and create a climate of cynicism because you’re always giving in rather than taking a stand.

Accommodating is great when you need to keep the peace.  It’s high on cooperation and low on assertiveness but watch out as you can find yourself being taken advantage of and over a period of time feeling resentful because you’re always the one making concessions to resolve conflict.

So there are some pros and cons for each mode of managing conflict, but I’d suggest that if you need to manage some conflict right now, you may want to start with yourself.  Ask yourself a few objective questions, such as:

• Is what you’re feeling really true?
• Are you blaming others for your own feelings?
• Will telling the other person how you feel help or hinder your relationship?
• Are you role modelling the types of attitudes and behaviours you would like to see?
• What triggered this conflict in the first place?
• What are you not getting that you want?
• What are you afraid of losing?
• How can conflict be resolved?

Stop focusing on the past and learn to focus on the future.  Although these things have happened, what would good look like in future?

Listen actively … it’s hard to stay angry with someone who is genuinely listening to what you have to say.  Be fair and respectful and understand that you will need to share too if you want to come to an agreement about what the issue is and how you’d like to resolve it.

Although you can’t predict the other person’s response, you can anticipate how they may react to the different words you use.  We all have what I call ‘red rag’ words or phrases that bring out the worst in us.  Think about what it must be like standing in the other person’s shoes.  What are they really trying to say by the actions you have already witnessed?

Develop some strategies to have in your hip pocket throughout the conversation.  Even if one of them is to ask the person to tell you more about a specific incident, it will show that you are listening to their perspective.

Think about what it is you have to say and make sure that you are specific.  Use ‘I’ based statements such as ‘I feel’ and then follow up with an objective description such as ‘when you …’  Then provide a specific impact of what happens when they do it as this will open up the discussion as to what can be done differently.

The key to resolving any conflict is to make sure you follow through on whatever you say you’re going to do – you know as well as I do that it’s the actions that speaker louder than words.  This is aptly stated in the quote by Martin Buber.

‘There are three principles in a man’s being and life, the principle of thought, the principle of speech and the principle of action. The origin of all conflict between me and my fellow men is that I do not say what I mean and I do not do what I say’

On a final note, don’t expect that managing conflict will automatically bring you closer to the other person as you may still dislike or disrespect them.  However, it does mean that you’ve taken responsibility for trying to sort out the problem, have listened and respected the other person’s point of view and have been true to yourself.