Having experienced a number of metaphorical elephants in the room in my lifetime, I thought this was a well known expression, but when discussing the subject with a friend over the weekend, I could see from the look on her face that she didn’t know what I was talking about!

So if this is the first time you’ve heard about having an elephant in the room, let me explain.  It refers to a problem, usually a controversial issue, but nether-the-less, a subject that everyone in the room knows about, but they either skirt around or don’t mention it at all, as by doing so it may cause upset, embarrassment or even an argument.

Elephants pop up in all walks of life both at home and at work.  For example, it may be a friend who’s partner or child always misbehaves when they’re out and it drives everyone else crazy, but no-one speaks up to say how irritating it is.  It may be a colleague who has lost a loved one and you don’t know how to approach the subject as you don’t know whether it will upset the person.  Terry Kettering demonstrates this in his poem – The Elephant in the Room.  Or it could be someone in a senior position at work, who blames everyone around them when things go wrong and wonder why people don’t take ownership and responsibility for issues in their own department
I’m sure we’ve all been in that position when we’ve said something without realising the magnitude of the issue.  If you’re highly regarded in the group, you may be on the receiving end of a dig in the ribs or one of those looks that means ‘change the subject’.  On the other hand, if you’re less well thought of, you may be hung out to dry when you ask the pertinent questions.  Everyone would like to ask the same things, but they’ve learnt from bitter experience that they will get their head bitten off by raising the subject.

So why don’t people get rid of elephants?  Well, usually it’s because elephants want to stay!  It may mean by the elephant hanging on in there, one person remains more powerful in the group.  However, it could also mean that once you start to tackle the subject, it opens up a can of worms that will take a long time to resolve.  These shouldn’t be reasons to put off having what may seem like a difficult conversation.  Don’t pretend the issue doesn’t exist.  Often, with anything like this, the fear ie the reason for not having the conversation, is often much greater than the reality.   And the cost to your organisation increases, the longer the elephant is able to stay in the room because you will experience:

* meetings don’t meet their objective as the real issues are avoided
* apathy and disengagement creeping in
* the people around you losing confidence in your ability
* a small issue growing into something unwieldy; and
* a drain on emotional energy for you and others

We all know that we can’t eat an elephant in one sitting, but we can eat it a bite at a time!  You need to build relationships and trust to help you get rid of the elephant once and for all.  Here’s an approach that should help.

1. Understand what the elephant is and how it’s making other thing and feel
2. Have positive regard for everyone – look for win/win situations.  Ask lots of questions to avoid making assumptions, then listen to the responses with both ears and eyes
3. Clarify that you have understood what people have said
4. Collaborate on what the solutions could/should be and develop an action plan together

It takes courage to deal with these situations, but don’t delay in sorting them out.  The longer you leave it, the bigger the issue becomes and it then becomes harder to mention. The first step is always the most difficult one to take, but once you open up the dialog, you’ll probably wonder why you didn’t start the conversation so much earlier.  It’s worth remembering, that you may actually be the elephant!  There may be a little something that’s hiding in your blind spot! If someone does have the courage to raise the issue with you, use the same rules as above.  Understand how you are making others think and feel, have positive regard for the person who has mentioned it to you and see if you can find some solutions that work for you all.

Have a lovely March and get rid of those lurking elephants during your spring clean!